I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize