a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
