what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
