every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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