We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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