I have demons in me.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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