just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
This is my gift to your gina
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
