remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
