i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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