I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
