I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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