we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not