Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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