okay pat passed out under dana's car
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
