either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
