So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
