I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The power of my boobs compel you
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