I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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