Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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