I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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