i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
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