why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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