I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I think your dad took our porno
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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