but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
