seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
