Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
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I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
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Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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