Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
lol hangovers are for mortals.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
