i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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