You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
All the doctor said was why
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
