you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
