C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
