i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
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Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
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I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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