okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
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