Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
