I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize