I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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