So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Too much gin, very little bucket
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
