I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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