The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
