Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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