Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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