my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
