Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
