Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
