I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
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nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
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Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.