I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
