Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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