I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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