its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
