Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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