omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
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Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
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Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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