last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
