I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
We need a shit load of segways right now
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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