We named our party play list daddy issues
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
