In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
