I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
