the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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