My friends, they love my intelligence
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
