ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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