I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Randomize
