I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
